Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
