Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
