Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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