I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
