bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
