I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I queefed so loud it echoed.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.