Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
