Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
