After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
