i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
