i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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