If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Randomize
