I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
