I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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