dude i'm inner monologue high
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
