why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
