Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
