i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
