my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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