Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
