I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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