I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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