I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You're like the curious george of whores
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
