I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
