Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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