so that wasnt chicken after all
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
