matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
