everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
