I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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