Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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