I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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