while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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