just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
