I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
