Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
