I got chris browned last night
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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