Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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