Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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