The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
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I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
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What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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