The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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