Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
