so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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