The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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