When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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