hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
