I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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