I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
