They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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