Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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