did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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