i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
