he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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