My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
