just come out here and I will go home with you...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
