I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She bit a glass in half.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
