Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
