Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
