Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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