i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
